robinmbrowne:

let me tell you a tale of horror and despair. it begins yesterday around noon, when my roommate and i woke up and made our way to greenpoint for brunch. whether the result of a gypsy curse, e. coli, or a hangover, i started feeling queasy shortly after finishing a meal that, in retrospect, was not the best thing for a weak stomach. runny eggs, spicy breakfast meats, etc. i was not feeling so great.

whatever was going on in my body only got worse as the day went on, to the point where i ended up being in fetal position sipping tepid water and walking like a quasimodo whenever i would venture to the kitchen to eat mac ‘n cheese. but lo and behold, this morning, i miraculously felt a little better. still not 100%, but i left for work showered and in a good mood and ready for the week. i even remembered my headphones and it was a really nice temperature outside! cool!

i got about 10 steps outside of the subway steps when it happened: an enormous pigeon shit landed on me. not just on my shoulder or back or hair, but on my fucking face. and much of my hair. i have never seen a pigeon shit so much in my LIFE. i have never been literally shat on before (though figuratively many times) so of course my first reaction was confusion, swiftly followed by rage; i ripped my headphones out and yelled “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” to everyone on 8th avenue, and then ducked into some little vestibule right nearby. unfortunately, i was still in sight of people walking up from the subway, and being rush hour, there were a lot of them. 

i opened my backpack to look for something to clean myself with, and the only thing i had that wasn’t my backpack that was somewhat absorbent was the little packet holding my birth control. 

so picture this: you are walking up from the subway when all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you see a figure crouched on the ground, covered in bird shit, scraping it off itself with a pack of birth control. got it?

here is where it gets even worse. i’m so overcome by the smell and sense of being covered in shit that my stomach starts churning. having been sick for almost 24 hours didn’t help much either, and i puked in the vestibule. picture everything above, except add barfing to it. 

the birth control packet only managed to scrape off some shit from my shirt, so i had to find something else to clean myself up. i left the vestibule and obviously decided to go stand in line at a halal cart a few feet away and ask for napkins, because why wouldn’t i do that. what the fuck would you do if you were in line waiting to get your morning coffee and you turn around and realize the person behind you has a face covered in shit and smells like they just threw up everywhere? i don’t even know what i would do. i was pretty much blacked out at this point.

the halal guy gave me napkins and i managed to do what i thought was an okay job cleaning up. once i got to work i went right to the bathroom and ran my hair under the sink, but not before noticing that i had not, in fact, done a good job cleaning myself off, and many people between the subway and my office- about 5 blocks- saw someone with shit on their face walk past them this morning.

at a certain point in the day the smell of the shit, which was like a nightmarish mix of  regular shit and elizabeth taylor’s “white diamonds” perfume, started to affect me in a way no odor ever has before, and i had to go home. so i’ve been here since about 2pm and took an hour-long shower and did 3 loads of laundry because oh my god my life is a huge joke.

tl;dr: a pigeon shat on me this morning on my way to work and i was so horrified that i puked.

just laughed until I cried

1. wishbone- reblogged this from robinmbrowne and added:

   fucking talking about,...Robin seems really nice

2. wishbone- reblogged this from robinmbrowne
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   1. oh, the horror. 2. hilarious.

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    Hahahaha that was hilarious.

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    laughed until I cried

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    last time I laughed

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